Dear Abby, My husband mocks my advice about pleasing women.

DEAR ABBY: My husband was forced to have sex at the age of 12 by an older woman. He has expressed how humiliated he felt and that he made it his mission to never feel inadequate again. He gets his “knowledge” of satisfying a woman through porn. I have tried to explain to him that what he is seeing is just a performance for the male viewer.

I’ve tried more than once to show him what really gets a woman “moving”, but he insists that I don’t know what I’m talking about and that I’m lying to him. I’ve tried every kind approach to avoid hurting his feelings. I know from family members’ comments that his bedroom had been a “revolving door” for women that he probably didn’t use much discernment in his past.

How can I move forward when I feel like I’m stuck in the past? I know that being sexually abused causes all kinds of trauma. He insists he’s over it, but his actions tell me otherwise. I’m pretty sure I’m not the first dissatisfied partner of his because all his other relationships have ended because they were “crazy”, “stupid”, “fat”, “unfaithful…” I don’t want to give him up. Please help. — PATIENT’S WIFE IN FLORIDA

DEAR WIFE: Talking to your husband should be like talking to a wall. Strong marriages are built on trust and good communication, and her husband doesn’t seem to be able to do either. I admire your perseverance. The fact that he never had counseling to deal with what happened as a child is unfortunate. It could help even now.

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A licensed sex therapist might be able to help your husband see that you’re not lying to him when you say what pleases one woman may not please another. If she can’t get him to understand what makes him “tick”, then he crosses his fingers and hopes the therapist can get the message across.

DEAR ABBY: My 40-year-old nephew, “Randy,” hasn’t spoken to his sister, “Elyse,” in five years due to a disagreement over the resolution of his father’s trust. When they visited me four years ago, he didn’t speak to her.

Elyse and her husband later announced that they were adopting a baby. Randy visited me only six months later and I suggested, unsuccessfully, that he put this aside until after the adoption. During the adoption, she became pregnant and had a second child. Randy still hasn’t seen or talked to her or her niece and her nephew. Our relationship has deteriorated since then.

Randy and Elyse tried a mediator last year, again without success. (I should mention that he doesn’t talk to his mom either.) He has dodged any further discussion of the situation. I’m lost. We were all so close, and I miss him, but I can no longer accept his actions. Any suggestion? — UNCLE IN PAIN

DEAR UNCLE: In some families, blood is thicker than water. Her nephew seems to feel that money is thicker than blood. As much as you want to do it, you can’t change it. Because his unwillingness to compromise is causing her pain, limit his interactions with him and maintain her relationship with Elyse, the children, and Randy’s mother.

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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, aka Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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